


Culinary Delights

by Jedi_MI



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Dirty Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 08:31:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14870337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jedi_MI/pseuds/Jedi_MI
Summary: For crack week 2018 prompt:  Ignis' recipehs start talking dirty to him





	Culinary Delights

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't resist this prompt

“Mmmmmm, where are you going, want to feel your hands on me again.”

 

Ignis froze, spinning around with a frown on his face as he surveyed the kitchen set up.  He could have sworn that voice came from behind him, but he saw nothing but a few bottles of wine, a stack of empty plates and the sticky rice rolls he had just finished making.  That was… highly unusual.

 

“Did one of you say something?” he asked, confusion playing across his face as he turned towards the fire his three friends sat around. 

 

Noctis and Prompto shook their heads without bothering looking up from their phones.   _ Typical _ , Ignis thought, rolling his eyes.  Gladio grunted a nope, closing his book and looking up at Ignis with a frown.  “Everything ok Igs, you look a little… off”

 

Ignis brushed Gladio’s concern off with a shake of the head and wave of his hand.  “Nothing to concern yourself with, I think we’re all running a little ragged lately.  A good night’s sleep will do us all well.” 

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

“Come on baby, put those lips back on me,” the voice, a deep bass that could give Gladio’s a run for the money, seemed to emanate from the Ebony can in Ignis hand.  Eyes wide he stared down at the can, his cheeks flushed as he muttered a quiet “ _ what _ ?”

 

He had really done it now, bad enough he had started hearing things, but talking back to his Ebony was a step too far.  He nearly screamed when the can in his hand answered back in a husky voice “oh baby, don’t be like that. Come on, suck me dry.”  With a shaking hand Ignis carefully placed the can on the table and, keeping a wary eye on it, gently pushed it away from him. Without a word to anyone he stood, walked past the questioning faces of his companions, and retired to the camper.  

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Ignis didn’t know how this was now his life;  constant fighting, scrimping and saving to afford the basics, and, worst of all, the indignity of stirring soup as it moaned at him as though he was bloody making love to it.  Really, there was nothing at all erotic about fish head soup, or the stirring of said soup, but it seemed to be getting off on it anyway. With a sigh he looked over to the ingredients he had taken out earlier with the intent of another attempt at Noct’s Tenebraen pastries.  He wasn’t sure what awaited him while making the treats, but Noctis had asked for them and he would do as his prince asked.

 

He glanced over at Gladio, Noctis and Prompto, so far the three hadn’t seemed to be affected by whatever was causing his… auditory hallucinations.  Probably for the best, who knew what vegetables might have to say to the picky prince.

 

Replacing the lid on the soup pot he surveyed the ingredients before him, mind whirling on how to make this recipe different from the countless other failures.  Deciding on using a pastry crust and perhaps adding more banana, he gathered the rest of the ingredients and went to work. 

 

“Take those gloves off and touch me,” the pastry sheet flirted with him.  Sighing he removed the gloves,  _ probably for the best anyway _ , he told himself.  Gloves removed he began gently unrolling the sheets and adding butter between the layers.  “Oh, so much better. Those fingers feel  _ divine _ on me.  I want to see them covered in butter, all slippery and wet between my folds.”

 

“Really now!” Ignis huffed, a light blush dusting his high cheekbones.  

 

“I bet you can do magical things with those fingers.  And that mouth, I can’t wait to feel it on me. You’re going to fill me up sooo good, aren’t you?  And then you’re going to devour me.”

 

“My, you’re quite… feisty.”

 

“Just know what I want, and it’s your hands aaaaallll over me,” replied the silky voice.  Ignis glanced around, checking that, once again, noone but him was hearing this. The other three seemed to, unsurprisingly, be none the wiser to his interactions with their forthcoming dessert.  

 

Not for the first time Ignis decided he was probably having a nervous breakdown, but breakdown or no he still had a duty to cook for his prince and Cup Noodles simply would not do; although he supposed those might be more apt to talk dirty to Gladio over himself.  He was not unconcerned that Gladio would take them up on whatever offer they might make to the shield and, well, there were only so many injuries he was trained to treat and scalding hot noodle burns to ones nether regions was not one he was prepared for.

 

“You’re so gentle, but I bet you can be rough if you want to be, can’t you?”  Ignis bit his lower lip as he concentrated on laying the pastry sheets perfectly in the tins, trying his best but failing at ignoring the voice.  “I bet you like it rough sometimes, don’t you? You are so proper and put together, but I can imagine you letting your baser instincts take over. I can imagine you  _ taking _ just what you want.” 

 

Ignis coughed and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.  With a self-conscious clearing of the throat he set the tins to the side and grabbed a bowl for his fruit mixture.   

  
  


Bananas mashed, and thankfully rather quiet, he began adding sugar and strawberries to the mixture, incorporating them into a thick jelly.  Said jelly had some rather… interesting things to say about what could be done with it. Some, Ignis was sure, completely unhygienic or downright physically impossible.

 

“Gods yes!  Why don’t you rub me down with some of those berries, get me alllll dirty” Ignis looked down at the mixture in the bowl, frowning at the suggestion.  Really, what did he have to lose adding some ulwaat berries to the recipe? Besides any respect he had left for himself for following the suggestion of a bowl of fruit filling, that is.   _ Ah, well, that ship has sailed _ he thought to himself, grabbing a handful of berries and adding them to the mix.  

 

Pastries safely baking Ignis took the opportunity to relax, the boys ensconced in a game of King’s Knight and no recipes around to fluster him any further.  He needed to get ahold of himself, this ridiculousness with his cooking needed to end before it drove him crazy. He steeled his resolve to ignore any and all voices he might hear from his food and figure out what, exactly, was going on.  If he wasn’t losing his mind then possibly this was some weird status effect he was hit with. Perhaps a talk with Kimya, a private talk, was in order. It wouldn’t do for the others to know of his dilemma.

 

Once the pastries were done and cooled he arranged them on a large serving platter to bring to his friends, staunchly ignoring the desserts as he did so. 

 

“You’re going to share us with your friends?  Ohhhh, that’s kinky, I like it. Are you going to watch as they eat us?  As our juices run down their mouths, their throats? Tell me, how will it feel when they’re moaning in pleasure around us, knowing it was all your doing?”  Refusing to acknowledge the lewdness coming from the pastries he set the final product down before his prince, waiting patiently for Noct’s verdict on this batch.  

 

“These are great Ignis, best ones yet!  I think you’re on the right track with those berries you added this time” Noctis exclaimed, shoving the rest of the pastry into his mouth and reaching for another.

 

Hmmmmmm, perhaps talking recipes weren’t quite so bad...

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

“Uhhh, Iggy, think you’re being a little too… rough with that?”

 

Ignis looked up at Noctis’ questioning face as he pounded his fist back into the raised dough.  “It likes it, trust me,” he answered.

 

“Oooooookay.”

**Author's Note:**

> PURE CRACK! I have no excuse for this mess of a fic except I wanted to try writing something (hopefully) a little funny. I had way too much fun writing it, poor Iggy, I hope he's one day able to enjoy his Ebony again!


End file.
